We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
