Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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