Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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