WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
