Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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