we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
