I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
