im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
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You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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