happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
