I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
