I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
ttyl tear gas
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
