just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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