where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
