If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
