i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
