i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
