I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
