I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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