i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
