where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
