Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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