come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
