Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think a kid would responsible me up
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
