Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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