There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
