Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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