bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
