I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
