There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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