I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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