I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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