FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
