Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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