I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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