Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just threw up on my dentist
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
