Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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