be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
