So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
