He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
