Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
