It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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