You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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