In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
