found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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