just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
