Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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