I miss vodka workout Fridays
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
