i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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