I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
