i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
