i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
