I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
