ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
