if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The Olympian is in my bed
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
